Enhancing Your Relationship

We are constantly reminded that love is very special and being a lover, a partner, a spouse, or a significant other, is a very special role we play. Hearts and flowers aside, what makes love so special is the intimacy.

It's not about being naked with your partner, but about allowing them to see your nakedness with all its flaws. I don't mean that birthmark on your right thigh, either; I mean the guts of a relationship - honesty, communication, and self-care.

We can talk about the little flaws, like their annoying snoring or chewing with their mouths open or leaving the toilet seat up or down, but there are bigger fish for us to fry. Changing the way you think and act translate into personal growth and intimacy in your relationship:

*Game-playing:

We play games that keep us from being honest with our partner. Think about your behavior when you want something and you manipulate a situation in order to get it. Game-playing keeps us from truly being ourselves. It often becomes so much a part of the relationship that we lose site of what's real after a while.

For some people game-playing is easier and safer than being open with their partner. It is a learned behavior that tells us if you want something just manipulate to get it. Honesty allows for messages to be clearer, increasing the bond between you.

*Communication:

Communication is the nuts and bolts of any relationship. If you aren't communicating you may as well pack it in. Of course, couples find their own special way of communicating, which may include years of not communicating at all. Communication is verbal and non-verbal. We speak and we verbalize our needs. We use our body language to do the same.

Letting our needs known to the other person is what improves the quality of communication. Communication is a two-way street, however, and this means that if there is no one on the receiving end able to translate those needs then the communication has failed.

A failed communication leads us to feeling like something is missing in the relationship and decreases one's self-esteem, leading to feeling resentful and angry. Learning to communicate is learning to listen. Sometimes men are told that they listen (and think) with other parts of their bodies rather than their brain. I think it's true for both sexes.

Improving communication skills involves first caring enough about the other person to want to listen to them and second to identify the verbal and non-verbal signals that are being expressed. Then practice listening!

*Self-Care:

Caring for your self includes emotional well-being and self-care. The way you present yourself to your partner, or the world for that matter, makes all the difference. Improving your self-care, means taking a long hard look in the mirror.

Are you taking good care of your physical well-being, eating right, exercising, and monitoring your health? Do you look your best and practice good hygiene? It really all comes down to the question, are you the person you would want to come home to each night? That's a tough, but important, question, because it makes you stop and take a look at all the qualities that you would want in a partner.

Think about what makes you feel good, what turns you on, and how much you are willing to sacrifice to get and keep it. Losing the excess weight, taking the extra shower, cutting down on the junk food, exercising a few times a week, and generally maintaining a healthy outlook on life will improve your self-care considerably in a short time. In the long run you will look and feel better.

Guaranteed, if you improve in the areas of honesty, communication-style, and self-care, your life will be better and open to many possibilities. It has to start with you. Being in a relationship means you have the ability to relate with someone else.

Listening attentively and giving more of your self is the answer to so many of life's problems. I don't mean to oversimplify it, but if you get really honest, open your eyes and ears, and look in the mirror your life will improve and intimacy will increase with each passing day.

About the Author

Janet J. Reiss, LCSW, is licensed as a clinical social worker in New York. As a clinician Janet works with children, adolescents, and adults in helping them work through issues that complicate their day-to-day living. Communication, relationships, substance abuse problems and other addictions, psychiatric problems, and family issues are areas that are explored. When Janet is not working as a Clinical Manager or in her private practice she is work